erics's Blog

I don't come around much anymore to this EP land. But here is a musical offering to the web Gods. Listen and feel what music is and can be. Note: guitar playing at its best. 

I have not been apart of the EP scene for quite some time. But sitting here listening to some music while I am spinning drunk made me come here and post something. 

Listening to "Fade to black" brings me to a happy place. It makes me feel like there is an army of people who feel like I do. It is sad and it hurts, but that is the pain that people like me feed on. 

That is all I have....somewhat pathetic considering the massive self indulgent and strife ridden opus I would have posted in years past. Alas, it is what it is. 

....than what you might be used to. It's brutal, but beautiful. I present As I Lay Dying - "Parallels"  Enjoy and let me know if you like or, and or what you think. 

After drinking and driving on many occasions in my life I had never been pulled over by the police. Never! I also had a perfect driving record...."had" being the key term. Now I am one of the thousand lame ass losers who got caught drinking and driving last night.

It was late on the fourth of July and we had a great party. Good food, great friends and lots of laughs. Best day I had in months. Until later that night I see the sirens behind me. When I saw the lights of the police cruiser I kinda smirked. I knew it was going to happen one day, it was fate. We were even talking earlier that night about how I have never been pulled over while drunk and the such. Too funny? 

I feel ashamed. I mean really? A fucking DUI? I'm smarter than this, and I am better than this. Now and then my mind just hiccups and or takes a mental shit on my life. Creating bad judgement and making my already fucked off life that much harder to deal with. 

I could go on and on with the self loathing, but I will not. Son of a bitch! Why now? Why at all? Fuck fuck fuck! 

I hope they don't suspend my license. 

This is a Stanford Prodessor giving an insight to depression and the causes. It's a real disease and it can cripple someone, and or make them a shell of who they are and can be. I suffer from it, and its affects have cost me more than I can ever explain. Friends, relationships, and jobs....all because of what is about to be explained. Hopefully this helps someone understand better....

My beloved Los Angeles Lakers have won another NBA title. When they play, it feels like I am on the court with them. When they lose, a piece of me dies. When they win, I feel alive. Always. But not on this night. For the first time in my life the Lakers have won a championship, and I am not thrilled. My life is in the way.

I am lonely because of someone I love not being with me currently. I am lonely because my life has taken so many awkward turns of late that it has rendered my personal growth (which I'm proud of) useless. Nobody to lean on, nobody to talk to when I need it....like now. I feel like nothing ever goes my way, and that kind of thinking is dangerous for someone like me. That is depression rearing it's ugly head and coming to take me to a dark place. The place where talking does not help. A spot that won't clean up. Writing is useless. Doing fun things are not as they should be. Even enjoying a championship game with the millions of people in Lakers nation is not helping. It's a bad place to be, and I want to go home and get out of here.

My depression was never an issue until recent years. Since then I have been on a spiritual journey to center myself. Be a better man for people in my life and people that I love; myself included. I could use your kind, soft voice to tell me that you love me and help me get out of this place. But would my inner demons (how cliche') let me escape? I have said that mentally I feel better than I have in years. But for some reason nothing in the rest of my is cooperating. So damn close to getting what I want and need yet I watch my goals, and dreams slip away, walk away, and I sit here alone, tired and sometimes in tears. It can't be this bad, can it? It sure feels like it.

I want a coffee, a cigarette and someone to share it with and love me for who I am. I'm lonely, and tired. I'm ready for greatness, but stuck looking around. That is depression. It's real and not something you can just shake off. If I could, I would. I can't, so this is me. God, someone, anyone come save this dude. I like to think I am pretty cool and worth the time. Praying for a better tomorrow and waiting. Come whatever may.....

If you do not know who he is, then you should be shot.

For those of you who know who he is: You should be allowed to live....for awhile.

For those of you who think he was a great soulful singer, you should get a pay raise and have kids.

For those of you who think his voice could shred cancer and bring tears, you should be President.

If you feel as if he is the best singer ever, you now own the world and are a free soul.

Rest in peace Layne. Your voice resides in my life until I meet my demise.

Go youtube the unplugged versions of  Alice in Chains "Nutshell" and "Down in a hole"

You'll see.

Hello, my name is Eric. I used to be a frequent contributor to the Experience Project. Over the last 7-8 months or so, my life has had some amazing turns. Both positive, and heart breaking. Therefor, I do not come here as I once did. I do not write as I once did. Though, I do write on my own, a lot.

Recently, I have had some truly Zen like instances. I literally surfed with Dolphins. I've began a serio moral, and metal undertaking. The goal is to be the man I know I can be, and the one that people truly feel I am. In this random update I am not going to cite a lot of specifics. Elaborating on things that I've yet to figure out seems counter-productive.

Last week, I was attacked. Literally. I was jumped by some random dudes....so I am told. I recieved 18 staples in my head as a result of the attack. I do not remember any of it. I do know this: I am glad I am more mature and calm than I once was. Meaning, if this were to happen to me a couple of years ago, I'd surely go kill anyone I could get my hands on to take out my rage and vengeance. Now? Hey, shit happens. I was in the wrong place at the wrong time....again!

However, something truly heartbreaking has been unleashed upon me as a result of this situation. I've lost one of my best friends and the respect of many people in my life. The way I was treated after I was almost killed (again) was pathetic. My friend just stood there and watched me as I was bleeding out. Not offering help, and acting like I had this coming. Bleeding out! My own father assumed that it was my fault due to my drinking. So, without going into anymore painful specifics the end result is me losing a friend and feeling betrayed. Me losing any respect I had for a few people in my life and being pushed aside even as I go through a small slice of hell. Perhaps they think that I am a machine. I've touched on that here and there in my EP career. People in my "real" life tend to view me as this advanced proto-type. Like I am not human, and not worthy of being treated as such. But if you need someones ass kicked, call Eric! Can you imagine how that has made me feel for so many years? Breaks my heart. Kills me inside. Makes this tough guy cry himself to sleep at night.

I feel great mentally right now. I have a better mental grasp than I've had in years. But my heart is crumbling. The timing of events in my life is un-fucking-real.  This is a small but sadly all too real part of my life. Watching a friend abandon me. Observing any level of admiration fly out the window. And this is almost the good shit that is currently happening in my screwed off existence.

I pray that a beautiful end is near. Calm, fruitfulness and love have to be in my near future, right? I am so ready for something more. 29 years of living the way I've lived has to come to an end, or I will die young and alone. And that I do not want.

Pardon my vent. It is a web log, right?

This is a song (as shitty as it is to say) is how I am doing/feeling. On a good note, it is a great song! So, I ask you to check it out.

On Saturday night Dec 12th my old high school will be playing for the California Mid Valley State Championship! 

This is our 10th crack at the title. We have lost the prior 9 times we were playing for the title. Including the years I was there!

For some odd reason this has me excited. For me as Monrovia is my hometown and I think we have been the most dominate school overall for the better part of 17 years in the San Gabriel Valley (suburbs of Los Angeles) and to finally bring home our title means a lot. Our old coach who took us to 3 straight title games (all of which we lost) and our new coach who can bring home what belongs to our city. Our city will be proud, old alumni will be proud, including my Father who attended the school from 1966-1969.

We are known for dominate football and to not have a title is sad. Now, it is our time. I only wish I was going to be there to see it. I am in Pennsylvania and will miss the game. Good Luck Wildcats, myself and thousands of others are wishing you well. Bring our title home and enjoy the fuck out of it! C-A-T-S! 

It was about 5-6 AM-ish. I heard a loud bang, followed by screaming. I mean screaming for ones life kind of screaming. I ran outside. What did I see? I see 5 guys beating on 2 guys. I know the 2 guys that were getting beat down. So, what did I do you ask? Come on now.  A free (so I thought) chance to do some good and kick ass. What more can you ask for?

First things first: I made an elderly man get back in his house. You know how stubborn the old folks can be. Second: I had to get a a teenager to safety, as he was being a little too curious. The teen lives in my apartment building as well, and he is mentally retarded. After I play an on the fly rescue operation, it was time to fight. I was not nervous, nor afraid. Fighting is one of the things I do well naturally, so I am comfy doing it.

I did, however, notice the odds and that there was blood everywhere. All this before I even jumped in the melee. As I approach the situation, one of the "home invaders" starts to run away. Eric sees a grand opportunity. I grab his shirt (bad move as he was covered in blood) and drag him to the floor. Where, I hit him in the back of the head, and kicked his ribs about 5 times. I let him be after I noticed he was severely fucked up. Can't kick him while he is down...uh...too many times anyway. >=) 

Then I proceed over to the apartment where all the action is taking place. I see my neighbor "Scott" getting his skull kicked in. So, me and one other guy semi-tackle the man who was doing the beating of "Scott" I only hit him once. He fell to the floor. He screamed for his ass, and the guy with me (who I don't know) is stomping the shit out of the dumb shit. The man I knocked down is now screaming; "I can't feel my legs, stop beating me!!!!" He said this about 10 times. I had no sympathy for his punk ass what-so-ever. In my world if you break into someones house, disturb a whole neighborhood, endanger kids and elderly...you deserve to die. I am glad I had my sense about me. Meaning: the cops were on their way and I was not about to be caught fucking this asshole up any more than needed.

Well, the cops get here. Aaaannnddd guess what? I get detained. I tell what happened...sort of. I fudged some details to protect my neighbor(s) and myself. But the over-view was accurate.

Assholes kick in my neighbors door. The same assholes who threatened me about 3 weeks prior. I make sure my other neighbors are okay. Then, I aid my neighbor in need. I (probably) severely hurt a couple of guys. And I lied about it when the cops asked me what happened. Where I am from, we don't tell cops shit. It gets you no place, and makes you a rat. Fuck that.

So, after being detained for about 1.5 hours. I asked if I could smoke, or just arrest me. They let me go, and Arrested "Scott"!!! You know, the guy who had his door kicked in and the guy who was almost killed. You tell me folks, is our criminal justice system fucked or what?

Of the 5 guys who attacked us; 4 got away. The only one the arrested was Mr. Can't feel his legs. Un-fucking-real.

And that was my morning.

***Update*** 11-10-09: So, the above story happened a week ago as I type this. Well, I spent the entire subsequent days away from it all, and am now far away from the whole ordeal. In that time, I have received some news on the fight/melee....whatever you call it. Number one: the 'can't feel his legs' guy is...uh...never going to feel his legs. He is paralyzed and won't walk again. He is also in hospital lock up. Which is basically jail for sick/injured people. 

Number two: One of the guys I knocked out, turned out to be my cousin David! Un-fucking-real. We didn't recognize each other. And only found out who the other was because I told his aunt about the incident, and he told her as well. She deduced that it was the same fucking story. She informed each of us that she had heard some sort of variation and had us talk about the incident. I told him "No hard feelings, right?" "I didn't know it was you, but that is what you get for kicking in someone's door."

WOW! Of all the shit that could have come from this. It was dark out, and my cousin and I had not seen each other in years. So, I guess that means we look a lot different than we once did. Daaaaammmnnn....

To all of my e-friends: I am alive and well. The last few weeks have brought me closer to some old friends and allowed me to meet some new ones. I do apologize for "vanishing" again, but I had to do it for me.

Starting a new life over, yet again, is tough to do. I was lost emotionally and still am not whole, but am working on getting my life back little by little. I can't thank my friend Jason enough for his advice and counsel on various matters. He has been a great friend to me through these last two months of uncertainty. I also made great friends with his cousin Simitrio, Simi for short. We kick it almost everyday now and we have a blast. We've gone to the race track, pool halls, and or just kicked it playing cards late into the night. We even rip phone books just to show how strong we are! Hahaha! Then there are my "boys" that I always kicked it with. Jer, Pablo, Rob. They have been great too. Like old times...which can be both good and bad. We still get into trouble but it is kind of cool to just cut loose sometimes, ya know?

And now onto the truly crazy part. I met someone who I am now dating. She is pretty cool and for some reason she likes me. Sshhhh...don't tell her that I am just a regular dude. But it is nice to liked for who you are and understood. She compliments me a lot which is very strange for me to hear. I am not used to that...at all! We have had some fun and are trying to see what happens next. I dig her and don't want to mess things up like I tend to do. The funny part is two fold. One: she looks like my ex wife. Well in the face, she is a lot smaller in the body area. I guess I figured that I'd try and date someone a little different than I am used to. Two: her name is Claudia which is the name of Pablo's (close friend) wife. Coincidences all over the place with this chick! Haha. Wish me luck on this one, as I will need it. I fear that she will grow tired of my antics like my last two ex's did. So I am trying to do things differently. Perhaps Eric needs a relationship coach. I like to think I am a decent catch, but my confidence is just not what it once was. She tells me I am all these great things, and I question it and kind of ruin the whole thing. Wish me some serio luck.

Now for the bad news: I am still doing a lot of things that have made my life hell. I am still drinking a ton. I am still losing my temper at all the wrong times and towards all the wrong people. I am getting better at it, but am a work in progress. I have had 4 fights since being back in Los Angeles and my left hand is swollen habitually. I am still not putting forth the right amount of effort into certain avenues of my life. For some reason I just can't muster the energy to do some of the painful things that I need to do. Perhaps Eric is not tough enough just yet. I still miss certain people that have graced my life and it hurts on a daily basis. But I am learning to hold the great memories close to my heart and be a better man for having had them in my life as I once did. I still miss my dogs, and that really hurts. I hope my Chola and KobeBear are okay. Daddy misses you! And it goes without saying that not having my daughter breaks my heart a little everyday. I hope she remembers me.

With all these things seemingly in my head and on my heart all the time, I just hope that the fun I am having lately lasts. The people in my life that love me and care about me are the ONLY reason I keep on trucking. Without them, I'd be nothing. Maybe that means that I am nothing, but it's okay because I never thought much of me anyhow. I wonder why she likes me, I wonder why they like to hang out with me, I wonder why they take my shit. But I thank God everyday for them.

And to any friends reading this; thank you too. Meg, Sadie, Jessie especially. You guys saved me this last year and I can't ever begin to repay you. In my heart you will forever be.

To my Meg: I am sorry things between us went south. But I pray that you understand that I am sorry for the way I treated you and the things I said to you. You are a queen and deserve the best. Never, ever forget that. If the next guy does not treat you right, he will have to answer to me. My love for you was real and you will forever be in my heart. I am happy for you and hope to not lose you as my friend and confidant.

Sadie and Jessie: you saved this poor sad kid disguised as a tough guy. You listened to me whine and cry. I am sorry that we don't keep in touch better. I hope to not lose you guys either. You all know my number, so drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are. ;-)

 

A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized
you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms...

I have not spoken to my ex (of 10 years) in a year. We have reasons for such an arrangement, and it works best for her and I. We take care of things via 3rd party...like custody of our daughter etc.

In the year that has past, I have moved on, regained some confidence and am trying to make a new life for myself, get back on my feet etc.

When we split, I said she could have and do whatever she wanted with our things, money, whatever. Reason: I didn't want to fight with her over shit that did not matter. She was leaving, and I had to deal with it. Now, a year later, and a year more clear in mind and heart, I want some of my shit!

She has all the pics of us, my kid, my dog, and my family. She made me a series of scrap books for the pics. So, I have no memories. She has/had them. She is not vengeful, or was not like that, so I assume that someplace she has those things in a box or something. I have stayed away per her request. Bren always said that she could not get on with her life, with my presence still looming over things she did, so I obeyed. Now? I want my shit!

Has enough time elapsed to where I can have a mutual friend ask for some of my things? Either way, a 3rd party has to do it, so what is a good way to go about it? Fuck, I don't know. I just know that I want my pictures and some other knick-knacks. Help?